You hear a lot of shit about how women who get abortions* are getting them "for convenience". (Most recently brought to mind for me by this thread on tumblr. Yes, tumblr rules my life now.)
I've been pretty open around here about how I am childfree by choice and have no interest in ever having children. But here's the thing: even if I did want children someday, when I got pregnant five years ago, I would still have gotten an abortion. Because...
- I couldn't afford prenatal care or other health-care costs associated w/pregnancy;
- I was on antidepressants which are not compatible with pregnancy, which were keeping me alive and which I'd have had to discontinue taking for the fetus' safety, which would have had the effect of seriously destabilizing my already fragile hold on life and sanity, and which could have ended with suicide;
- I was in college and already struggling, and any further detriment to my school efforts could have been the final straw that got me kicked out;
- The man who donated the other half of the genetic material (he wasn't a "father" anymore than I was a "mother" simply by virtue of accidentally getting pregnant, so I refuse to use that terminology) lived across the country; it was a long-distance relationship and we had no plans to move closer together in the near future, so either A: I'd have been on my own without a partner, or B: we'd have had to have rearranged some very large life circumstances to be close enough together (and no, adoption wouldn't have been an option because of the above items and also I can't imagine giving a child of mine away, so no).
BECAUSE THEY HAVE FUCK ALL TO DO WITH CONVENIENCE.
Prioritizing one's plans for life and one's ability to provide for one's self and possible or potential family over a biological "oops" moment is not about fucking CONVENIENCE. Ask anyone who's had a child; having a baby, even if you don't parent, is a life-changing event. Often also a body-changing event, in ways both permanent and impermanent. It is a Big. Goddamn. Deal.
So if the fucknuggets who churn out anti-choice propaganda would please stop handwaving-away women's goals, dreams, plans, and life circumstances by dismissively referring to it as "convenience", I'd very much appreciate it and maybe not lose my shit so fucking often. Kthx.
*Women are not the only people for whom abortions are sometimes needed medical care; all people with uteruses may fall into this category at some point. However, the rhetoric of anti-choice groups centers on women, so I'm reflecting that in this response.
16 comments:
As a woman, nay, as a human being, I am constantly saddened by our societies need to make women justify their choices about their bodies as if it's any ones fucking business. I agree with your post completely. But you know what? Who the hell cares if any of your choices HAD been for convenience? Why should you have to justify your choice at all? Your body. Your choice. PERIOD!
I think part of the problem the anti-choice people are refusing to see is the overwhelming numbers of people who blindly go along with them, have the child(ren) and can not/are not parent(ing). If they would put 1/10th of the money spent on anti-choice ads toward parenting classes for the people they push into having the child the world would be a lot better place. You aren't born knowing how to parent, and being forced (anti-choicer's next step) into having a child without being taught how to parent, can be criminally reckless.
Fortunately the powers that be have also concluded what I've been saying all along (that I am entirely unsuited for parenthood) so the issue has never come up, but if it did I would have to think long and hard on it.
There is no proof that any of my assorted defects are genetic, and it's not like any of it is anything more than slightly annoying at best, but, I know if I was a cat or a dog or something no responsible breeder on earth would ever breed me. I'm decidedly "pet quality" lol.
So yes, if I somehow got pregnant and decided that the assorted mental and physical issues I have were not something which needed to risk being inflicted on a future generation... yes, it would be convenient. For everyone involved. Including the fetus.
Oh, amen to that, too. I just like playing the "even if it *were* any of your damn business, it *still* doesn't play out according to your narratives, so booyah!" card. ^_^
Parenting classes for those who want them would be a good thing - but sadly it's on the list of "actually benefiting living children" things that antis will never support. Also my worry would be, who's teaching them? According to what methodology? Attachment parenting? Traditional discipline parenting? There are as many styles of parenting as there are parents, and so while I fully support people being able to access user manuals for their new acquisitions, so to speak, I worry about the potential for encoding kyriarchal narratives as the "approved" type of parenting to be explicitly taught to everyone.
lol at "pet quality". Yeah, in those terms I'm the same. Depression and alcoholism run in my family (thankfully I haven't sparked the latter but literally *everyone* living on my father's side has it, and there were a few who quite literally drank themselves to death not too distantly up the family tree), and my own anxiety issues on top of it aren't something I'd like to pass on, either.
Anyway, a further definition of "convenient", I like. I mean that's routinely one of the reasons I cite for my decision; how is it "convenient" for a child to be born to a mother who already resents hir?
I have nothing to say except hells yes.
I'm always up for a good hells yes. ;-) (by which I mean, thank you)
My only reason I rarely bother to point out that children should be *wanted* is that they always pull out bullcrap like "oh there's always adoption, there are millions of people just dreaming of a baby!"
Sorry guys, I've *seen* the numbers. There are thousands of children already sitting in foster care who will never be adopted and will likely be tossed out on their asses at 18 with no home, no prospects, and their only possessions the clothes on their backs and a couple hundred dollars if they're lucky. How about we worry about THOSE kids, that are already born, before we worry about a clump of nonsentient cells that may or may not actually become a person in 9 months?
My high school boyfriend of three years was a foster kid, and yeah, I saw how much "help" the system was for him. Luckily my family was deeply welcoming (to the point of filling out an epic fuckton of paperwork with the state so he could travel with us and spend a lot of time at our house, including a visit from a social worker - thanks, Mom!) and, when he ran away from a particularly awful placement (in the three years we were together I saw him transferred to six different placements in three cities, and no, he wasn't a bad kid at all, it's just the system is not kind to teens), he ended up becoming true family to the mutual friend who offered him a couch, then a room, then a home. But I know for damn sure that's not true for most of them.
Also the fact that, um, adoption is a solution to not wanting to parent, not a solution to not wanting to be pregnant. Adoption doesn't do jack shit for the medical bills and bodily impairments that can come from pregnancy and birth. It is *so* not a one-size-fits-all solution. >.<
And that's another reason I rarely work up the ambition to argue with the "there is always adoption" folks -- I can't imagine something more horrific than pregnancy and childbirth, while they refuse to acknowledge that it's anything but this wonderful inspirational unicorns farting rainbow sprinkles of joy experience.
And then (if I may weigh in a few weeks late), after the unicorns farting rainbow sprinkles of joy experience is over, you can just give the product of it away without a second thought, like an irresponsible pet owner giving extra kittens away in the grocery store parking lot.
A regular on talk.abortion quoted a friend of hers, who worked with adoptable children, as saying that most potential adoptive parents, when they say they "just want a child to love", really mean they want a lovable child -- with "lovable" defined as newborn, near-mint condition (no defects that can't be easily corrected), white or whitish, properly gestated (no drug or other chemical issues), and with a conveniently compliant mother who will evaporate as soon as title is transferred. Dark babies, babies with health problems, any child over two years old at most, can wait a long time for adoption.
Welcome! Absolutely agreed, too, on the standard of "adoptable babies". Which makes it particularly cruel and tone-deaf of anti-choicers to throw the "just give it up for adoption" line at women of color or women with disabilities or addictions. Sure, they *could*. But the odds are not in favor of that child finding a good and loving home, and I'd bet women in those circumstances know that far better than any anti-choicer.
Children are the most inconvenient blessing anyone could ever have. If you ever had a child you would know and I've lived through everything you've mentioned and more. Before I was bullied into going to planned parenthood to abort my now 3 yr old son, obviously I couldn't go through with it, I was pro choice. Now I look at my son and the joy he has in life and brings to others including the man that tried to have me murder him and I wonder what would my son think if I asked him would he rather I had an abortion? You want your choice? Make it before there's another life involved. Human rights should start in the womb
Vicki I can completely agree with that, if you are going to be prolife then the help for these women when they decide to have the babies needs to continue. It's wrong to tell someone you can do it we can help and once you decide to keep the baby you end up scared and alone. That's absolutely wrong and needs to change. That being said it isn't a reason to murder a baby.
While I was advocating parenting classes for those who choose to have a baby, I am FULLY pro-choice. A fetus isn't a baby. An abortion isn't murder. 98% of ALL abortions done, are done to a mashup of CELLS, that have nothing at all to do with a baby, other than that if left alone, many but NOT ALL will continue to split and reform into something that becomes a baby AFTER IT IS BORN! As a bunch of unwanted cells, feeding off my system it is effectively a parasite. Yes, a parasite. As with any parasite, if I don't want it, I WILL get rid of it. Happily even. Please understand that a fetus is not a baby. Once your fetus has germinated long enough to be completely viable on its own, then it becomes a baby. NOT BEFORE!
And while I have two children I dearly love, more than anything else in the world, if I got pregnant again, I would definitely have the abortion. I do not want another child ever. My choice. Never again.
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